Reflections.

Yesterday was Ari's first birthday. It was a bittersweet day. Not only did I frequently remember details and feelings from the birth (a saga which was not even close to over yet, as of March 31), but I kept thinking about whether she would be my last child. I never understood mothers getting upset about their baby's first birthday because it didn't bother me last time. I was happy to be out of the first year with Marcus. I also fully expected to have more children, so there would be more babies. Maybe that's why this time seems different. I cherish more moments now - and feel guilty when I don't. I love this age, and sometimes I wish I could keep her just like this!

The past year started out very (very) difficult, and the first few months were definitely trying, but the rest of the year has flown by. In terms of how I feel about the birth, it certainly doesn't feel like a year has passed. It's still hard to deal with. As much I think about how I wish I had more children, when I think about being pregnant and going through birth again, it's a little...horrifying? I wish I could have been one of the women for whom birth was relatively easy. There was a time, not so many years ago, when I considered having up to four kids. That was before extended breastfeeding. Everything has come together - fate, if you will - to suggest that more children are not in my future. I appreciate letting babies (toddlers! preschoolers!) nurse as long as they need. I appreciate co-sleeping with babies who won't sleep on their own. I feel that having a lot of children is not very responsible to the rest of society, which is already overpopulated. I'm approaching 40, and my two births were both hard on me, physically. I would like to get as healthy as I can and enjoy the rest of my life more. It doesn't make sense to have any more kids. But that doesn't make it any easier to accept. Even adoption wouldn't be the same. I love these little people that are part of me.

Anyway...

We've now been in Seattle for seven months. Ari is more a Washingtonian than a Hoosier. ;) I've come to the conclusion that I will never (okay, never being unknown - but no time in the near future) be a city girl. I hate traffic. I hate being close to so many neighbors. I miss not being able to drive through open space. I don't care for evergreen trees - they're ugly (some of them) and too dark. I'm not sure if I will ever feel at home here. However, to keep this a little more positive...days are quickly growing longer, which is nice. It's not as warm as I'd like, but long-time residents and weather forecasters both say that it has been a particularly cool and dismal winter and spring thus far. (We have La Nina to thank for that). Trees are blossoming, which, now that I think about it, happened a week or two earlier here than it did a year ago in Indiana. When I went into the hospital, the trees had not bloomed; when I came out on April 6th, spring blossoms were everywhere. It was surreal at the time.

My decluttering continues, slowly. I have to laugh when I go back and see that I started talking about decluttering in the fall. Most of the storage room (a room that I hope will have another designation someday) remains untouched, though I recently started on it. I've made a few trips here and there - books to a drop bin (after a pathetic payout at the used book store), Goodwill - not to mention listed several items on Freecycle and Craigslist. I keep reading and stay inspired, but progress is slow with a demanding toddler, naps, school pickup time, etc. ;)

So here's to spring! And summer! I'd like to think that the longer days and increased sun will help with my mood. It's also more fun to get out with Ari now that she can walk (although this means following her around at the playground, LOL). I'm looking forward to attending playdates more regularly (and meeting more moms!) with her, as she's getting old enough to not need a morning nap. The times, they are a-changing. Again.