Thoughts on...life and new motherhood.

Being alone with a baby for much of the day gives me lots of time to mull over all kinds of deep things. I think about families and if ours is complete and how I feel about larger ones [a little envious but I couldn't do it]. I think about how I got cheated by my birth experiences and wonder if I'll ever fully get over it [not sure but right now I'm pissed about it]. I think about how much different my life is from what I expected, now that I'm a) living in a big city, and b) nowhere near my family of birth [it's hard and profound at times]. I read minimalist blogs (I added a few to my blog roster here) and ponder how to break my attachment to all my stuff so I can have a simple, spacious house (and then I wonder if there's any point in trying to attain such a goal since we're all packrats here).

I'm sure I'll come back to that minimalist issue again later. It's a fascination that won't go away. Notice that food, diet, weight and exercise are not mentioned in that list. They're just not high priorities right now. I eat what I want for the most part (although the sugar/diabetes issue does come to mind occasionally). I don't exercise, aside from walking Marcus to school off and on. I fantasize a bit about being able to go to yoga on a regular basis and maybe hit the gym for a soothing visit to the hot tub (if such a place exists around here) but I don't see that happening for a while. I have a very needy little Mama's Girl who won't let me go anywhere without her. And I adore her, so I try to stay in the moment for her. There will (hopefully) be time for yoga and hot tubs later.

Being a mother to a baby seems so much different this time around. I know moms claim that they are more relaxed, because they have the experience and knowledge - but I don't think that's it for me. I think I was a relatively laid-back mom the first time around. Some things that freaked out other moms didn't bother me. I hate to say this, but the difference might just be due to having a girl. Higher cuteness factor. ;) Or it might be due to other parts of my life being different. When Marcus was a baby, certain aspects (how and where he slept, nursing, neediness, etc) were a struggle. I also felt extremely lousy physically and didn't yet know why. Now these things are old news. My kids are needy. They nurse a lot at night. They don't like to be alone. And I'm physically sore from screwed-up sleep. That's just how it is. But I have an extremely cute and loving baby, so I bide my time. It will get better. As for the other stuff - who knows.

More this and that.

I was wrong about the rain. It hasn't gotten full hold yet. We're enjoying a sunny day today and are likely to get one or two more before the rain returns. This is good - I like some sun in the fall. We also got a non-rainy Halloween night, which was nice.

I sometimes have the sensation that time is rushing by. Another year is nearly over. Ari is seven months old. Seven months since her amazing and then horrific birth! Marcus is in kindergarten. I'm living in a new city that I never could have predicted I'd end up in (and Chris is working in corporate cubeland). Some of the meetups that interest me repeat on the same day each week, and I am amazed at how quickly a week seems to go by. It's surreal. It's not that I'm super happy, because I'm definitely not on some days - but I'm busy with Ari and Marcus and the whole routine (inconsistent as it may be).

With that said...I think Mom had it easy when it came to the morning routine. I remember days when she was still in her pink bathrobe when we went to school. And I imagine the little ones weren't all dressed in the morning either. Life is different here. Everyone has to be ready to walk or drive the half mile to school every day. It's a little crazy.