Thoughts on...life and new motherhood.

Being alone with a baby for much of the day gives me lots of time to mull over all kinds of deep things. I think about families and if ours is complete and how I feel about larger ones [a little envious but I couldn't do it]. I think about how I got cheated by my birth experiences and wonder if I'll ever fully get over it [not sure but right now I'm pissed about it]. I think about how much different my life is from what I expected, now that I'm a) living in a big city, and b) nowhere near my family of birth [it's hard and profound at times]. I read minimalist blogs (I added a few to my blog roster here) and ponder how to break my attachment to all my stuff so I can have a simple, spacious house (and then I wonder if there's any point in trying to attain such a goal since we're all packrats here).

I'm sure I'll come back to that minimalist issue again later. It's a fascination that won't go away. Notice that food, diet, weight and exercise are not mentioned in that list. They're just not high priorities right now. I eat what I want for the most part (although the sugar/diabetes issue does come to mind occasionally). I don't exercise, aside from walking Marcus to school off and on. I fantasize a bit about being able to go to yoga on a regular basis and maybe hit the gym for a soothing visit to the hot tub (if such a place exists around here) but I don't see that happening for a while. I have a very needy little Mama's Girl who won't let me go anywhere without her. And I adore her, so I try to stay in the moment for her. There will (hopefully) be time for yoga and hot tubs later.

Being a mother to a baby seems so much different this time around. I know moms claim that they are more relaxed, because they have the experience and knowledge - but I don't think that's it for me. I think I was a relatively laid-back mom the first time around. Some things that freaked out other moms didn't bother me. I hate to say this, but the difference might just be due to having a girl. Higher cuteness factor. ;) Or it might be due to other parts of my life being different. When Marcus was a baby, certain aspects (how and where he slept, nursing, neediness, etc) were a struggle. I also felt extremely lousy physically and didn't yet know why. Now these things are old news. My kids are needy. They nurse a lot at night. They don't like to be alone. And I'm physically sore from screwed-up sleep. That's just how it is. But I have an extremely cute and loving baby, so I bide my time. It will get better. As for the other stuff - who knows.